How to Manage the Terrible-Twos

Every parent with a toddler has experienced a terrible-two tantrum. There is screaming, and there are tears. There is usually the stomping of feet and possible lashing out. It is a well-known fact that toddlers like to tantrum, especially between the ages of two and three. So common are these tantrums, that once they hit 24 months old your toddler becomes an official member of the club known as the “terrible twos”.

The terrible twos is a period in a child’s social development (typically around the age of two years but not exclusive to), which is associated with defiant or unruly behaviour. Characterised by mood changes, temper tantrums and the use of the word “no”, the terrible twos are a normal part of your child’s desire for independance.

While the terrible twos can be difficult for parents and caregivers to navigate, it’s important to remind yourself that there’s a reason for their unruly behaviour. Your child is not purposely testing you, and (despite what your mother says!) they’re not put on this earth to give you a taste of your own medicine from when you were a kid. They are merely going through major motor, intellectual, social and emotional changes, while growing their vocabulary and self-sufficiency. Considering most toddlers aren’t able to move and communicate as swiftly and as efficiently as they would like, it’s little wonder that there is cause for frustration.

What is a temper tantrum?

Temper tantrums are generally sparked by your child’s frustration at their inability to complete a task or express their feelings, but they can be the result of a whole host of things. To your child they are totally justified and the ideal way to get their point across, but to a parent watching their child in full meltdown mode over the fact that their milk arrived in a green cup instead of a yellow one, tantrums are nothing short of absurd.

There are certain times when a two-year-old is more susceptible to tantrums, so when your child acts out, make a quick note of the time, recent activities, and your child’s food intake. Children who are hungry, tired, over-stimulated, or bored are going to be the most difficult to deal with, and the best approach to handling the terrible twos is to avoid them altogether.

10 tips for managing a temper tantrum

When your child engages in tantrum-caused hitting, biting, screaming, crying and that infuriating limpness that stops them from moving an inch further, it’s hard not to have a meltdown yourself. Your reaction may be to shout back at them and tell them to stop being so silly, but this usually isn’t the best tactic.

Instead, you should try one of these other management techniques:

1. Ignore

Once your toddler’s tantrum is in full-swing, there’s little you can do to settle them. Almost anything you do will make it worse, so some parents swear by the simple rule of “ignorance is bliss”. Ignore their poor behaviour and wait until they have settled down before trying to negotiate or distract.

2. Create a diversion

Children have pretty short attention spans, which mean they are generally easy to distract. If your toddler is about to crack it over the fact you’re not willing to buy a lollipop, quickly suggest the best thing you ARE willing to buy. Don’t try dragging them from the lolly aisle, instead entice them to leave it themselves by suggesting they help you pick the type of fruit you need to buy.

3. Communicate for them

If your toddler’s frustration is due to an inability to communicate, try to communicate for them. Say things like “show me what it is you want” or “are you feeling frustrated because your brother is playing with the toy you want?” While you’re at it, empathise with your toddler and let them know that it’s okay to feel frustrated, but it’s not okay to lash out.

4. Hug them

It’s amazing how quickly you can calm a child when they know they have a safe place to get their emotions out. When they start getting upset, lower yourself to their level and reach out to hold them in a big, firm hug.

5. Recognise when you’re asking too much

If you’ve been dragging your two-year-old around the shops with you for the last two hours, or have asked them to sit quietly while you catch up with a friend in a cafe, it’s no surprise that a tantrum is coming. If you know you’ll be asking a lot of your child, inform them ahead of time the expectations you have for their behaviour, and offer a reward for staying on track. Each time they start getting wiggly, remind them of their ‘treat’.

6. Stay calm

It’s vital that even during a huge tantrum, you remain as calm as possible. Getting worked up over your child’s shouts and demands will only make the tantrum escalate as you enter into a power struggle. Breathe deep, distract yourself with other thoughts, and talk to your child in a calm, loving voice.

7. Forget everyone else

A public tantrum can be embarrassing, but that doesn’t mean you should cave to your child’s demands if you don’t want to. The only thing that people judge is your reaction to the tantrum, so don’t worry about the tantrum itself. Everyone knows it’s a normal part of growing up, so stick to your normal methods of control and avoid bribes or threats.

8. Change the scene

If your two-year-old is in full meltdown over the fact they can’t get the toy they want, pick them up and take them to another area of the store. If they’re frustrated at having to leave daycare, put them in the car before trying to calm them rather than trying to work your magic at the scene of the tantrum.

9.Reassurance

Don’t dwell on a tantrum and instead reassure your child that you love them and are here to offer guidance. Use a tantrum as a way to teach good ways to express emotions, then move on to the next activity to re-instill a positive attitude.

10. Nip it in the bud

If you know there’s a chance of a tantrum, carry with you some good distraction tools. This includes, snacks, small toys and crayons that can be brought out at the first sign of frustration. If the tantrum is coming out of tiredness, get your child down for a nap before they lose control.

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