10 Tips for Managing Your Child’s Separation Anxiety

Separation anxiety varies widely between children. Some babies become hysterical the moment  mum is out of sight, while others seem to demonstrate ongoing anxiety during infancy, toddlerhood and preschool.

Separation anxiety is when children fear being parted from their parents or guardians. A normal part of growing up, virtually every child suffers some level of separation anxiety during their first few years. For the most part, this is easily managed and perfectly acceptable. But sometimes, separation anxiety becomes a problem.

Problems with separation anxiety are more typical in younger children than adolescents. Generally it peaks between 14 and 18 months, and typically the anxiety decreases throughout early childhood. Approximately 3-4% of children, however, develop separation anxiety disorder, diagnosed when:

• The anxiety interferes with the child’s life and subsequently the parent’s life
• The severity of anxiety is inappropriate for the child’s developmental level
• The symptoms have persisted for at least four weeks.

Children with separation anxiety disorder fear that harm may come to them if they are separated or that the separation could lead to loss. Fears are most commonly centred on the primary caregiver but other family members can sometimes be included.

Children with separation anxiety disorder experience a great deal of distress on separation or even the mere threat of separation. They may cry, plead desperately with their caregiver, or throw tantrums. They are often clingy and like to stay in close proximity to their caregiver at all times.

Children with separation anxiety disorder may also complain of headaches, nausea and other illnesses when faced with separation. Many children vomit from the intensity of their worry. A child may also experience nightmares about separation, death or loss and may have associated sleep difficulties.

These children will do everything in their power to avoid separation – avoiding preschool, school, sleeping alone and sleepovers. And forget about babysitters!

Managing separation anxiety

So what do you do if your child starts screaming the moment you mention daycare? How do you manage your child’s tears that stemmed from you taking a shower?

Surviving separation anxiety is about consistency. Repeat this word – consistency. Your ongoing consistency, explanations, and diligence to return when you say you will is climacteric.

Top tips for managing separation anxiety include:

1. Create routines

Try to do the same drop-off with the same ritual at the same time each day you separate to avoid unexpected factors whenever you can. A routine can diminish the heartache and will allow your child to simultaneously build trust in his/her independence and you.

2. Show they are safe

Before starting a new daycare, preschool or school, or before leaving them at a friend’s house, show your child it is a safe place to be by spending time with them there. Your child needs to feel reassured this is a happy place and a familiarity should help ease the transition.

3. Be quick in goodbyes

Keeping your goodbye short and sweet limits the transition time and level of anxiety. You may be tempted to hang around and make sure your child is settled, but this only makes things worse. Your goodbye should be limited to a kiss and a phrase such as, “I will come back after lunch. You will be okay.” Your child should have your full attention during this stage.

4. Teach coping skills

From three years of age, children can start to learn phrases that may help them self-cope. Encourage your child to repeat these phrases, such as, “I can be brave” or “Mummy will be back”. From seven years of age, children can take this further by answering their own questions, questions such as, “How likely is it that Mum will forget to collect me?” or “What will realistically happen if Mum arrives later than she promised?”

5.  Keep your promises

By keeping your promises you will build trust and independence. Your child will learn to be confident in their ability to be without you. If you promise you will scootch in next to them for a cuddle when you get home from dinner, do so even when they’re asleep. If you promise to read their favourite book when you get back from the shops, make it the first thing you do.

6. Be specific

Your child may not understand when you say you’ll be back to pick them up at 3pm, so use terms they can understand. Saying things such as, “I’ll be back once you’ve had a nap and some afternoon tea” is something they can relate to.

7. Practice

A child that is regularly separated from their primary caregiver from an early age will be far less likely to suffer separation anxiety later on. While practice might not make perfect transitions always, it will put your child in good stead for coping with you not being around.

8. Start slow

If you know you have a business trip coming up that will take you away for three days, don’t just throw it on your child. Start slowly by having Grandma come to play. Next, duck out to the shops and leave Grandma in charge. Consider having Grandma for a sleepover while you are there and then next time maybe go out for dinner.

9. Avoid criticising

No matter how frustrated you feel at your child’s anxiety, avoid criticising your child or making negative remarks such as, “He’s a mummy’s boy” or “Don’t be such a baby”. Your child is looking for comfort and your frustration will only make them feel more uncomfortable about the situation.

10. Watch yourself

It’s not just children that suffer separation anxiety, with many parents also hating being away from their child. It’s okay to feel concerned for your child when you’re away from them but showing that concern on your face or through your body language can cause distress for your child. Also avoid saying things such as, “Mummy’s going to miss you so much” or “I wish I didn’t have to go”.

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